Just keep writing

I just read a letter that had a closing line: God wants you to keep suffering to draw you closer to Him. I must have gone through the other side of Him then. I guess the idea is to have you beg for mercy. Well I have done that repeatedly, but it seems like I recover very quickly, and the next thing I know I am off and running in the Miss Goethe Da Vinci cerebrum swimsuit competition, engorged with my own will that has nothing to do with God. The meek shall inherit the Earth? Do they really want it?

Christ suggest that you should be humble, and of course the world shows that if you are talented in one respect or another, you will succeed. Reminds me of the Ministry line- " The way to succeed, and the way to suck eggs" I have said here before that I don' t think that all of us can succeed, life doesn't work that way, there just are not enough openings, and some of us define success in impossible terms, or like me they have talents that surely backfire every time.

I can write, but what is the value of it? I don't think I have ever helped anyone- maybe some of my crazy ideas have helped them laugh a little, or maybe they have just been shaking their heads and thinking that they are glad they are not me. One of the themes in my life is that people are rarely direct with me, and when they are they go way over the top. I don't take criticism well and they sense it I suppose.

Anyway to return to my talents, I think I can very very creative as a writer, but my writing is extravagant, bizarre, disjointed and dark. My music is very similar. I often wonder why God gave me this kind of "gift" I should have kept the receipt. Maybe I am not supposed to succeed, but am supposed to keep banging my head against the wall until I give up and turn to Him alone, There are alot of passages in the Bible that support this idea. I then wonder how so many billions of people seem to be comfortably getting away with violating His rules, but maybe seem is a powerful word here. Maybe my talents need to be put into His service, but then where is the Glory for me, eh? I think the idea is I might get genuine enjoyment even if and because the situation is not inflating my egomania.

All gone.