Monk

I just watched a video about some monks in Italy, and was struck by how happy they seem. According to today's world, they should be miserable, because they have no great wealth, no three marriages (and divorces) no Jaguars, mink stoles, they can't watch Seinfeld over and over again til they vomit, and most horribly they cannot be paleontologists. This seems extremely unfair, and makes me wonder if the video was somehow faked. I don't think so, because I had just previously watched a video about some other monks in NYC and they also seemed genuinely happy. They were very actively helping others as well- offering food and comfort to the homeless and other unfortunates.

Why don't I join now? Well there are several reasons. I don't want to give up this lavish infested paradise that I now inhabit; some days I don't believe in God; They might put a damper on my lusting after women; They might curb my Ren and Stimpy viewing; I might have to take instruction from another person. These and other reasons radiating from these key points cause me to cling tenaciously to this husk of an existence.

But then I really paid close notice to something that the last monk on the second video tape said when he was asked about the difficulty of staying celibate. First he said that it was not very difficult at all, which I expected him to say, but the second was maybe the most real and intelligent thing I have heard from anyone's mouth in a long time: "In enclosure, I learned real love of women" I think that this is the point: REAL love, rather than the onslaught of fake loves that are saturated with the poison of pain and then are gone altogether at some point, is the only thing that matters.

Just keep writing

I just read a letter that had a closing line: God wants you to keep suffering to draw you closer to Him. I must have gone through the other side of Him then. I guess the idea is to have you beg for mercy. Well I have done that repeatedly, but it seems like I recover very quickly, and the next thing I know I am off and running in the Miss Goethe Da Vinci cerebrum swimsuit competition, engorged with my own will that has nothing to do with God. The meek shall inherit the Earth? Do they really want it?

Christ suggest that you should be humble, and of course the world shows that if you are talented in one respect or another, you will succeed. Reminds me of the Ministry line- " The way to succeed, and the way to suck eggs" I have said here before that I don' t think that all of us can succeed, life doesn't work that way, there just are not enough openings, and some of us define success in impossible terms, or like me they have talents that surely backfire every time.

I can write, but what is the value of it? I don't think I have ever helped anyone- maybe some of my crazy ideas have helped them laugh a little, or maybe they have just been shaking their heads and thinking that they are glad they are not me. One of the themes in my life is that people are rarely direct with me, and when they are they go way over the top. I don't take criticism well and they sense it I suppose.

Anyway to return to my talents, I think I can very very creative as a writer, but my writing is extravagant, bizarre, disjointed and dark. My music is very similar. I often wonder why God gave me this kind of "gift" I should have kept the receipt. Maybe I am not supposed to succeed, but am supposed to keep banging my head against the wall until I give up and turn to Him alone, There are alot of passages in the Bible that support this idea. I then wonder how so many billions of people seem to be comfortably getting away with violating His rules, but maybe seem is a powerful word here. Maybe my talents need to be put into His service, but then where is the Glory for me, eh? I think the idea is I might get genuine enjoyment even if and because the situation is not inflating my egomania.

All gone.