Antimatter Astrology

Yes I want to apologize for the recent wave of positivity that had swept over me.. also for the pretentions at novelism and poetryishness, done unfaithfully on the side. They belong here, the only place on Earth where you can find the actual truth- not the delicious varnished version with seductive theories of illuminati hamster shape shifters plotting the evil whimsy from the future pyramids that we will build on Mars in the unsettling year 16 billion...reality is alot more boring than that, but an be up to five times as funny. With exactly the right amount of ado, here are the vilest and most accurate possible horoscopes that and entity could come up with. Sorry, no smut, just hilarious cosmic accuracy that will through you into an inconsolable depression, forcing you to embrace the Hare Krishna movement.

Antimatter Astrology- The material world is for whining factory seconds...forecast for Earthbound losers of all Zodiacal description...

FOR DE MUNTH OF AUGUST MAN.

Aries, The Supreme Superbaby- You are here, everyone else can just get out of the way! But even more so. You like to have fun, and this month is no exception. So get out there and shake it on the dancefloor. That is if there is still one left in this psycho derelict world. Pow. That was it. Show of your ego until people politely vomit under your breath.Wasn't that hilarious? Not really. Get some cluse as to what actual fun is, and then others might have fun around you as well. Come on.

Taurus, The Big Fat Loafer- You reign supreme in your home, even if it is only a brown pasture covered in layers of your own defecation. If they don't like it you can flare your nostrils, snort and give them the impression that you might ram them with your mythological horns if you were not so fat, and there weren't acres of potato chips in the way. Isn't it splendid to be encaged by all this glory? Nah. Blast furnace the tarnish off your home both metaphoric and otherwise. Ask a gemini what metaphor means. Get over it.

Gemini, The Twisted Schizo Freak. You are an amusing freak, I will grant you that. Real bright too. But a titanic pain in the sacrum that is lacking wisdom unless he/she/it cheats by looking at the test of the Sagittarius. That is if the Sag was sober. You will be trying to bask in the glory of your sparkling wit, but try to put a stop to that. You think it is a roof of genius to be able to spin fast dizzying circles of logic that you yourself really understand, but you are all wet. Learn restraint of tongue and pen, even if you have to roll your tongue around your en. Babble to yourself in private if you must, but refine that babble until it yields something that at least seems to make sense. Or just show off your new hotrod doing wheelies in your driveway. Great.

Cancer, The Homesick Vicious Crybaby. You like to display the loot of the ages in your home window, but no else really gives the merest of flying figs. Now I hurt your feelings again, but so did my complimenting your beauty, so the whole deal is bloody hopeless. At least I gave you some good motivation to plot my untimely death. Try to value things that are actually great in life(whatever they could possibly be), and quit trying to show off and cover your emptiness by name dropping greatness. If Greatness bumped into you on the street it would have nothing to do with you.

Leo, The Arrogant Self Important Pain. Happy Birthday! You are so easy that probably made you forget the first part. You really can't hold a grudge because you are so self- absorbed that you aren't even really aware when people are putting you down, and even if you are it is like the nuisance of insects anyway. Well time to launch another year of vain self-promotion. You can mask it in the guise of helping humanity that is always good for a giggle, and tres chic these days. You can start another new age suicide cult... oh the possibilities are endless... well when the Sun enters virgo in a week we can all back to ignoring you again. MEOW!!

Virgo, The Fussy Hypercritical Martyr. Great news for you and the rest of us. Stay in bed for the whole month and analyze your dreams of all the important personages that once never were... write it all up with standard university references and footnotes, then tear it into orderly pieces when you realize that no one has any interest in something so silly, and blush like a maiden when you yourself realize that you were acting like you had an ego for a moment. You do, but it just involves criticizing people around you til they either commit seppuku or seppuku by proxy on you, and microrganizing stuff that you should have just left alone.That will come next month Get back to bed and take your temperature.

Libra, The Phoney Metallic People Pleaser. One thing you don't realize is that all that blather you lather on your pals and other tools you are using to get your own way is that they really see though you like a mirror to the center of the Earth, and only laugh at you because you are funny and it beats crying. You take pride in your friends, to the extent that you can use them, and this month that may work ok. On the other hand, they may get sick of your vacuous wacky brand of "creativity" and just tell you to hit the highway. Oh well only billions more to choose from. Time to move to another town.

Scorpio, The Secretive Sociopath. Ok maybe sociopath is a bit strong ( although Manson is a Scorpio). but you are a mean and vengeful person, and to the extent that you manifest this, I can't stand you and think you are wasting your time. Loosen up for the love of Satan, and have some fun, unless you still think moody loner is heroic, Yeah the Unabomber, what a heart throb..Your all is vanity is shown through your career tactics. Try to be fun, rather than egotistical always right ,and just a general pain in the corporation..you never know ... you are more powerful than average, but you are not immortal. You never no when the peasants will start choking on the cheap cake you are disdainfully flinging from the turrets...

Sagittarius, The Source Of All Wisdom. Well, since this is my sign, I really don't know what to say, I ... Of course it was facetious...You actually can be the model loser in the zodiac, and I know this from personal bizarre experience. When you aren't busy frothing at the mouth about some meaningless esoteric topic you may know less about than you think, then you are exploring countries you can't possibly understand, and "mastering" the language and culture, while causing international incidents with your every breath.. Ok you mean well, but you are a supersized pain in the cervical vertebrae to everyone else.. you want to travel this month- get lost! ( and this means me!)

Capricorn, The Cold Corporate Henchman. I don't even want to write a horoscope for you. I know few Capricorns well, but the few I am acquainted with scare the intestines out of me. They seem to be the most calculating people on Earth. They may do good in some ways, but I am happier never seeing them. If you are an exception to this I am sorry. The energy drives me crazy. At any rate, now is a good time for your power trips, but recall that mistakes in the 8th house can cause you to slip into the recycle bin. You can make fortune buying micro sell stocks, that are sold in between ticks of the clock as the market tumbles into the Duat. Have fun!

Aquarius. The Aloof Eccentricity. Not very personal sounding is it? That should make you happy. A horoscopes for robots section is coming soon. This is the month for you to dispose of personal enemies with cold detachment for being too egotistical, when really both of you are nuts. You don't like people anyways, although it is part of your ad campaign, but you really would rather not have interactions that bear any resemblance to emotional experiences. Unfortunately when you give the cold shoulder this month, you will get the hot shoulder back. Who cares, right? Not you, and that make life easier...

Pisces, The End of the Line. And the end of these for the month. You will be sick all month mainly from dramatizing events at work. It is all in your head. As is everything with you, so boo hoo. You take too much pride in your work, who cares about being a cashier in a department store? You do, but it doesn't make you Lord Byron. You take pride in being average, so that trend should continue. Everyone is always picking on you? Of course, it is a built in part of your identity. If you are not employed, get a job...