He said Captain, I said Wot.

If there was any real kind of logicy order to my brain, I would now of course begin to extol the virtues of that fabled song listed in the title. While it is true that that song is worthy of all possible praises, the real reason I decided to write this thing is to announce to the world that I am once again being poisoned. or if anyone can come up with another reason why I am experiencing a vibration in my head, cold hands and feet, a slow weak pulse and so on, that would be great too.

So that was all I really had to say, I am sure that I can enjoy the juicy irony of furiously typing a plea for help on a a dead site on the internet. How are you doing today? Few poisoners in your life. Ok fine I can fully accept any explanation, provided it is the correct one.

Ye gods,this must be about the gloomiest post I have posted in years. What is the point. Help, I am not creative or funny anymore! Save me!!

DIary of a Celebrated Personality, Volume Closed Head Injury

I hope that you enjoy the title, because it will be all downhill from there. God I hate editing. Maybe it is because I hate editors. And I hate the word "because" I can never type it correctly. But the real reason I have gathered you all here today, is to announce that I have ow idea why I invited you all here, because I didn't. Well here is an informational short that I stumbled across recently, it was made some time ago by a self made trillionaire named F.F.F Throckmorton Dimpoleberry, and even though it is a bit old, I think that it is as timely as ever. "Then my Mother told me to go to Flint and Saginaw, and Bay City, well I had become a fine salesman of great renown by this time, and although Mom was an edgy labile ignorant wench, I decided to follow her advice, just so as I could fling the embarrassing wreckage of the results back in her face. Never the regardless, I pursued my sales career with a renewed vigor, having of course prudently paused to recharge my batteries, something lesser entities, or salesman, never take the time to do. Obviously these weak asses end up lining the ashcans of history, while persistent sociopathic pests such as myself stand reveling in the glory that is so richly deserved. My Edsel careened into the spacious parking lot of the firm that I had previously contacted and notified that I would be arriving at within the hour. As usual I was quite satisfied with the performance of my automobile on the highway: it was a high acheiver in regards to mileage and handling, the latter fact which went greatly towards boosting my self esteem, as I had developed the habit of manually filling the tires of my vehicle by mouth daily, as well as of course according to the standard specifications that had been justly arrived at my the succession of teams at the weights and maysures bureau. And so, having dusted off my garments and preened a bit in the rear view mirror, I jauntily angled my self towards the entrance, insurance policies in hand. I was met by a rather large fellow with a protruding jaw at the entrance of the company. I told him that I had made the necessary arrangements for the appointment which I was confident that I would soon be taking part in, and he naturally gave me access to the to door to the room of the designated meeting place. I will take the opportunity here to point out that this corresponds rather directly to point number 456 on my list of Simple Principles of how even the most basic village idiot can induce the Universe to do his petty bidding,if he but faithfully follow these 1,762 clearly delineated principles which are clearly outlined in my series of handsome brochures entitled "How Even a Jellyfish can Wrap God Himself around his Middle Finger, if he but follow faithfully these 1.762 clearly outlined Principles that are Contained in this Series of Brochures, Provided all of them are Purchased, and Read Thoroughly, and followed completely, for only 17.99 postpaid plus SASE." And I will continue to reiterate, that anyone, even if they are limbless and acerebrate, can succeed with these principles, provided they follow them carefully, and in sequence, and send me the money.

Well to make a long story short, the President of this firm that I had previously contacted, and in a pleasing manner, arranged to have the meeting with that was about to take please, or so I expected, asked me to take a seat. Now here is another crucial juncture where salesmen of the average variety and mentality make a critical mistake. They don't take into account the 342nd of my Principles: "Don't Let Anybody Else Tell You what to Do, Even if it is in the Form of a Suggestion, or an Offer". Taking charge of the situation, I confidently smiled and said "I will stand, you sit down" He refused to sit down and gave me a puzzled look. Here I applied one of the 27 General Keys to my Principles: Animal Magnetism. Assuming a very pleasing appearance, I stared deeply into his eyes, and began to softly growl. I took full advantage of the diaphragm, avoiding shallow breathing of conventional growling, and growled deeply, while continuing to maintain the most pleasing expression on my face that I possibly could. Naturally, my adversary slowly assumed what is commonly called a sitting position. It was at this point that I recognized, based on the postulate of Previous Accumulated Experiences, that I could sell him as much insurance as made me contented. He was quite pale, sweating, and generally exhibited a constellation of signs that indicated that he had swooned considerably down the evolutionary ladder. This was the story of how I made my first million, and I sincerely hope it will of great benefit to you as you slowly yet surely mold your life to the expression of these 1,762 Principles. Please try these ideas and you will surely find that you will be richer and more confident than you had ever previously dreamed possible. Thank you and have a pleasant day."

What can I add to that, really....

Wither Assurbanipal?

For those of you who might even know what that is about. This entry is just being entered to let you know that I haven't died yet, and that the latest theory of what I am dying of is encephalitis, which just recently edged out vaccine reaction. A coward dies a billion deaths would be more accurate. One problem with this "slogan", like many others, is that it overlooks something. It overlooks the fact that most of the "deaths", however frightening they might be, are quickly over, and never as frightening as the real one, which even non-cowards encounter, and which is completely horrific.

But there must be a more pleasant topic than death or debilitating illness. And there is, but it would only be a way of ducking reality. Do you have anything to say? It is your turn. I didn't think so.As usual, I have to do all the work.

At least I can take comfort in the fact that an especially lame blog has the capacity to attract legions of followers. Unfortunately that doesn't mean EVERY lame blog. It seems to be some kind of perverse lottery. But I will keep trying, as every attempt I have had at an interesting, perceptive website has plummeted by the wayside. Wall gotta go now, it is time to take my temperature.